10 Keys to Safeguard Your Marriage

 

Sometimes as married couples we get stuck. We can’t move forward. It may even feel like it is over, broken beyond repair. At times like this, “for human beings this is impossible, but for God all things are possible.”

The following teaching, derived from the wisdom of Scripture and the Church’s mystical experience, is God’s way of making all things possible — including the resurrection of a marriage that appears to be all but dead. If your marriage is in this place or even if it’s just starting out, I encourage you to read this through with your spouse, discuss it openly, and then make concrete decisions allowing God to work miracles in your relationship.

If you are willing, my son, you will be taught,
and if you apply yourself you will become clever.
(Sirach 6:32)

…if we walk in the light as he is in the light,
then we have fellowship with one another. (1 John 1:6)

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Everywhere I turn these days, it seems that marriages are buckling under the weight of immense trials. There are multiple reasons why, but to name a few: unhealed wounds, immaturity, selfishness, the secularization of society and its pressure on the family, rampant individualism, the collapse of catechesis in the Church and undoubtedly, direct spiritual attacks on marriages. Husbands and wives are the irreplaceable foundation stones of civilization. As St. John Paul II once said, “The future of the world and of the Church passes through the family.”^[1]Familiaris Consortio, n. 75 Hence:

…the final battle between the Lord and the reign of Satan will be about marriage and the family…. —Sr. Lucia, seer of Fatima, in an interview with Cardinal Carlo Caffara, Archbishop of Bologna, from the magazine Voce di Padre Pio, March 2008; cf. rorate-caeli.blogspot.com

However, this present reflection is not about the external problems we face as married couples but precisely how to pass through them with God’s help. For this, we turn to an unlikely source: the Catechism’s teaching on prayer…

 

Marriage — A Mirror of Divine Love

The Scriptural passage that unlocks God’s saving help is found in St. Paul’s instruction on marriage:

Be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ… This is a great mystery, but I speak in reference to Christ and the Church. (Ephesians 5:21, 32)

How Jesus loves us, and how we love Him in return, is a model we can carry into our marriages. The model is based on our relationship with Christ, which the Catechism says is prayer.

Here, then, are 10 key points we can draw from the “mystery” of our relationship with God and apply it to our marriages. These have been life-saving to my own marriage and the health of our relationship. I will state first what the Catechism teaches on prayer (A), and then how this applies to Christian marriage (B).

 

10 Keys to Safeguard Your Marriage

I. Relationship

A. Do you have a relationship with God? The Catechism is clear on what defines that relationship:

Man, himself created in the “image of God” [is] called to a personal relationship with God… prayer is the living relationship of the children of God with their Father who is good beyond measure, with his Son Jesus Christ and with the Holy Spirit. —Catechism of the Catholic Church (CCC), n. 299, 2565

If you’re not praying, you have no relationship. But what is prayer?

Contemplative prayer in my opinion is nothing else than a close sharing between friends; it means taking time frequently to be alone with Him who we know loves us. —CCC, 2709 (St. Theresa of Avila)

If you’re not speaking to Jesus nor listening to His voice, there is no relationship.

Consider how many Catholics go to Mass every Sunday and receive the Eucharist, which is a symbol of marital union: Christ literally gives His Body to His Bride, the Church, who then literally receives Him. And yet, how many leave this Sacrament unchanged, no deeper in love or knowledge of Christ than when they walked in? Indeed, whatever graces He wanted to give them are often squandered. Why? Because they do not have a relationship with Him outside of Mass, and that relationship is prayer. We need to cultivate a personal relationship with God outside of the Liturgy in order for that relationship to be fruitful — and to be properly disposed to receive the graces of the Holy Eucharist.

B. So too, the healthy union of a husband and wife goes far beyond a regular sex life. Martial union can no doubt contribute to intimacy and growth in love and friendship, but not necessarily! It may even work against it if there is no relationship to speak of. Like Mass, it can devolve to simply going through the motions. Thus, it is essential for a husband and wife to “take time frequently to be alone” in order to allow a “close sharing” and listening to each other’s hearts.

 

II. Relationship = Commitment

A. As St. Teresa said, prayer means taking time alone. And thus,

…the life of prayer is the habit of being in the presence of the thrice-holy God and in communion with Him… Contemplative prayer seeks him “whom my soul loves.” —CCC, 2709,

Hence, relationship requires the sacrifice of time.

The choice of the time and duration of the prayer arises from a determined will, revealing the secrets of the heart. One does not undertake contemplative prayer only when one has the time: one makes time for the Lord, with the firm determination not to give up, no matter what trials and dryness one may encounter. —CCC, 2710

Seek first the kingdom of God and His righteousness… (Matthew 6:33 )

B. When you’re dating and falling in love, making time for each other is no problem! But after the honeymoon when bills, babies, and biology kicks in… time somehow vanishes. One can’t simply leave this shared time together “only when one has the time.” A thousand things will get in the way. Rather, we have to “seek first” our relationship and make time for each other, even if it has to be scheduled and written on the calendar.

When I make the “choice” with a “determined will” to put my spouse ahead of all of the other possibilities and demands, particularly my own interests, it really does reveal the “secrets of the heart”: is my spouse a priority? Are their heart and needs being met? Or am I only waiting for my spouse to meet my needs?

No matter what trials or dryness I experience in our relationship, it’s precisely these dedicated alone times together where we will open new wells of grace.

 

III. Listening Brings Life Into Relationship

A. Bishop Eugene Cooney once said to me that he never knew a priest who left the priesthood who didn’t first stop praying.

Prayer is the life of the new heart. —CCC, n.2697

If “prayer is the life of the new heart” given in Baptism, then clearly, no prayer life is the death of the heart. But is a healthy prayer life just a matter of saying prayers learned by rote or read from a book? On the contrary, it’s an attentive listening to the other.

Contemplative prayer is hearing the Word of God. —CCC, 2716^[2]The Word of God is living and effective, sharper than any two-edged sword, penetrating even between soul and spirit, joints and marrow, and able to discern reflections and thoughts of the heart. (Hebrews 4:12)

Even Jesus took time alone to listen to the heart of His Father.^[3]“He went up on the mountain by himself to pray.” –Matthew 14:23 So too…

We cannot pray “at all times” if we do not pray at specific times, consciously willing it. —CCC, n.2697 ^[4]“…when you pray, go to your inner room, close the door, and pray to your Father in secret. And your Father who sees in secret will repay you.” —Matthew 6:6

Otherwise, we risk chattering at God throughout the day (if at all) but never stopping to listen to Him. It’s this very solitude with God that quiets our own hearts in order to hear His live-giving Word.

B. Most marriages go on life-support when meaningful communication stops. It is not enough to simply exchange small talk here and there, grunt responses, or give half-hearted nods. We have to take time to listen to the other, “hearing” each other’s word. This listening, says the Catechism, is “the loving commitment”^[5]CCC, 2716 that connects me to my spouse in order to hear and understand the other and learn what I must do to bear fruit in my marriage.

If your relationship has lost its life, at some point, it’s likely that you have stopped listening to each other for a number of reasons, not least among them, the wounds you may have caused each other.  It’s time to begin listening to each other and allow God’s healing into your relationship…

 

IV. The Foundation of Authentic Relationship

A. Because we have a fallen nature and will continue to battle against the “flesh”, we are prone to fall in our weakness. Hence,

…humility is the foundation of prayer… Asking forgiveness is the prerequisite for both the Eucharistic Liturgy and personal prayer. —CCC, n. 2559, 2631

…when we pray, do we speak from the height of our pride and will, or “out of the depths” of a humble and contrite heart? —CCC, n. 2559

B. Wounds will inevitably arise in any relationship, but especially between a husband and wife who share the same space and are called to “be subordinate to one another out of reverence for Christ.”^[6]Ephesians 5:21 Humility before each other is essential. Just as God “does not deal with us according to our sins,”^[7]Psalms 103:10 how much more do we need to deal patiently with another?

Forgiveness is a “prerequisite” to intimacy between spouses because it builds trust and respect. Unforgiveness is the soil in which bitter roots and judgments^[8]“See to it that no one be deprived of the grace of God, that no bitter root spring up and cause trouble…” —Hebrews 12:15 spring up and find a place to grow, choking out charity.

I need to humbly ask forgiveness when I’ve hurt my spouse and not justify sinful anger or hurtful words. When my spouse seeks forgiveness, Jesus reminds me to forgive “seventy-seven times.”^[9]Matthew 18:22; Luke 17:4: “And if he wrongs you seven times in one day and returns to you seven times saying, ‘I am sorry,’ you should forgive him.” This is especially important since our fallen nature, upbringing, particular temptations, character faults, immaturity, and unhealed wounds can see us often repeating the same mistakes. 

Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy… (Matthew 5:7)

Unforgiveness is lethal to relationships. Even unforgiveness toward those outside your marriage will have an impact. Your heart is like a grape. If you cut it from the vine, there remains the facade of life, but slowly the grape begins to whither and die. So too, the person who withholds forgiveness toward others suspends God’s mercy and the flow of His graces, leaving one’s heart to wither in the heat of God’s justice.^[10]“When you stand to pray, forgive anyone against whom you have a grievance, so that your heavenly Father may in turn forgive you your transgressions.” —Mark 11:25

Hurting people hurt people. Don’t let the hurts your spouse or others have caused you to simmer for long beneath a false mask, pretending all is well, or giving them the cold shoulder (sometimes called the “silent divorce”).  You are giving the enemy a chance to sow bitter roots. The longer you hang on to a wound, either by unforgiveness or not gently confronting your spouse with the truth, the more difficult these roots become to pull up.^[11]“Love does not brood over injury.” —1 Cor 13:15

On the other hand, the more you develop a relationship spending time together in mutual love and listening, the easier it will be to reconcile when inevitable hurts come.

Therefore, putting away falsehood, speak the truth, each one to his neighbour, for we are members one of another. Be angry but do not sin; do not let the sun set on your anger, and do not leave room for the devil. (Ephesians 4:25-27)

 

V. Balanced Relationship

A. God, the Divine Physician, knows our hearts and needs more than anyone since He knit us in the womb. These needs are physical, psychological, and spiritual. Hence, this is reflected in prayer in five main movements:

Blessing expresses the basic movement of Christian prayer: it is an encounter between God and man. —CCC, 2626

Thanksgiving characterizes the prayer of the Church which, in celebrating the Eucharist, reveals and becomes more fully what she is… —CCC, 2637

Praise is the form of prayer which recognizes most immediately that God is God. —CCC, 2639

…by prayer of petition we express awareness of our relationship with God. —CCC, 2629

In intercession, he who prays looks “not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.” —CCC, 2635

B. Perhaps you already take time alone with your spouse… but are you paying attention to your words? Our words carry the power of life and death.^[12]“How great a forest is set ablaze by a small fire! And the tongue is a fire… With it we bless the Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who are made in the likeness of God.” —James 3:5-6, 9 How do you use your tongue with your spouse? Are you constantly dumping all of your problems, negative thoughts, crosses, and complaints upon them? Remember, your husband or wife is not your counsellor, spiritual director, or therapist. They are your spouse, who should be one of your closest friends. For Jesus said to us:

I have called you friends… (John 15:15)

What kind of friend am I to my spouse? Do I listen to and serve them first… or demand that they listen and serve me first? Do I tear them apart with my words or build them up? Someone who is always negative is draining… and one reason your spouse may be emotionally withdrawn from you.

Therefore, encourage one another and build one another up… Let your speech always be gracious, seasoned with salt… (1 Thessalonians 5:11, Colossians 4:6)

Yet, there needs to be balance; we need to be there for our spouse in difficult times and let them vent without judging.

Indeed, God wants to hear our petitions and intercessory prayers:

Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. (1 Peter 5:7)

As someone said, “If our focus is our spouse and taking care of their needs then our needs will be met.” That is not an absolute, but as St. Paul wrote: “Love never fails.”^[13]1 Cor 13:8 So it’s a pretty safe path. If you love your spouse, you want to acknowledge their pain and struggles and be present, within your capacity, to “bear one another’s burdens.”^[14]Gal 6:2 We are not our spouse’s Savior; but we can certainly acknowledge their feelings and support them through mutual prayer and intercession. As Servant of God Catherine Doherty once said, “We can listen another’s soul into existence.”

This isn’t about enabling destructive attitudes and bad behavior, but being a support to your spouse in a healthy way. Often when we seek to understand someone and just hear them out, they can better trust our perspective if not gentle correction.^[15]“…even if a person is caught in some transgression, you who are spiritual should correct that one in a gentle spirit, looking to yourself, so that you also may not be tempted. Bear one another’s burdens, and so you will fulfill the law of Christ [which is to love one another].” —Galatians 6:1-2

Finally, just as there is blessing, thanksgiving, and praise in Christian prayer, there ought to be in your relationship with your spouse. Do I praise them for the good things they do, or just point out their faults? Do I thank them for the sacrifices they make, whether it’s the daily trek to a job, cooking a meal, or doing the laundry, or take these for granted? Do I bless them by meeting their particular love language (we’ll get to that shortly), or only respond when mine is being met?

Be mindful of whether you are giving or taking, yet, without ignoring your genuine need to be heard as well. As Jesus said, “It is more blessed to give than to receive.”^[16]Acts 20:35 In that regard, one could rightly call St. Francis of Assisi’s “Prayer for Peace” the “Prayer of the Spouse”:

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace:
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
O divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console,
to be understood as to understand,
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life.

 

VI. True Love

A. Our prayer life can often feel dry and difficult. But it’s precisely in these deserts that we prove our love for God who loves us unconditionally.

The wonder of prayer is revealed beside the well where we come seeking water: there, Christ comes to meet every human being. It is he who first seeks us and asks us for a drink. Jesus thirsts; his asking arises from the depths of God’s desire for us. —CCC, 2560 ^[17]“The way we came to know love was that he laid down his life for us; so we ought to lay down our lives for our brothers.” —1 John 3:16

Of course, there is competition with our love for God:

…a distraction reveals to us what we are attached to, and this humble awareness before the Lord should awaken our preferential love for him and lead us resolutely to offer him our heart to be purified. Therein lies the battle, the choice of which master to serve. —CCC, 2729

B. Some marry with an eroticized idea of love (eros) without understanding that at the heart of Christian marriage, there must be agape love — a total giving of self. As soon as spouses turn inward, seeking after their own ambitions, passions and wants to the exclusion of their partner, harmony quickly evaporates and often devolves to outright war.^[18]“Where do the wars and where do the conflicts among you come from? Is it not from your passions that make war within your members?” —James 4:1

What are the “distractions” in your marriage that keep you from “loving to the end,” as Jesus did for us? Do your hobbies, sports, entertainment, and comforts come before your spouse? If so, this is a clarion call to “lay down your life” for your beloved. It doesn’t mean giving up your interests, per se, but being willing to sacrifice when necessary your wants for your spouse’s (and family) needs.

Another attachment are judgments we hold toward our spouse. Judgments are powerful, capable of building impenetrable walls between you and your spouse. These are not just bitter roots but full-grown weeds. Be careful, because they will quickly choke out the good seed in your marriage and lead to utter destruction.

St. Ignatius of Loyola has some beautiful advice on how to work through misunderstandings: always give each other the benefit of the doubt:

Every good Christian ought to be more ready to give a favorable interpretation to another’s statement than to condemn it. But if he cannot do so, let him ask how the other understands it. And if the latter understands it badly, let the former correct him with love. If that does not suffice, let the Christian try all suitable ways to bring the other to a correct interpretation so that he may be saved. —Spiritual Exercises, n. 22

Replace contempt with compassion: choose to assume the best intentions of your partner, even if their delivery isn’t perfect. When in discord, be very intentional about staying on topic and avoiding the temptation to resort to shutting your spouse down with a harsh tone and hurtful words. Let them express themselves, even when they’re wrong. And avoid bringing up past wounds that you’ve already forgiven, for “love does not brood over injury” (1 Cor 13:15).

Another killer of healthy communication is pride. If I am defensive and refuse to admit the possibility that I am at fault, I can injure my spouse’s trust and even create a climate of fear or desire to even dialogue. On the other hand, the truth will set you free — even the hard truth that I sometimes need to hear from my spouse. This is why humility is the foundation of our relationship. It keeps our communication in the light and leads to deeper friendship and fellowship.

…if we walk in the light as he is in the light, then we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of his Son Jesus cleanses us from all sin. If we say, “We are without sin,” we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we acknowledge our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive our sins and cleanse us from every wrongdoing. If we say, “We have not sinned,” we make him a liar, and his word is not in us. —1 John 1:6-10

 

VII. Keeping the “Spark” Alive

A. When you know that you are loved, it changes everything.

Whether we realize it or not, prayer is the encounter of God’s thirst with ours. God thirsts that we may thirst for him. —CCC, n. 2560

B. We often hear couples say: “We’ve lost our spark.” Well, it was never supposed to remain a spark! It was meant to grow into a flame and then a gentle fire to spread its warmth to your children, grandchildren, and community.

It is not realistic to try and sustain the romantic intensity of our youth. Just as nature has its seasons, so too, do our marriages with the changes in a woman’s body after childbearing, the demands of family life and finances, the process of aging, menopause, etc.  But this does not mean the flame has to go out. Romance dies when the relationship dies. If you feel that your “thirst” for each other has waned, it may be because you are no longer speaking each other’s love language.

Dr. Gary Chapman has narrowed it down to 5 love languages. Learning your spouse’s love language is a practical way to meet their thirst for love with your love. This can fan into flame the embers in their heart because it shows that you also thirst for them, that you care. Expressing this love language, even if your partner is faltering on their part, is still important because you are loving without counting the cost. After all, you promised at the altar to be true to each other “in good times and bad, in sickness and health, till death do us part.” What is your love language? What is your partner’s?

1. Words of affirmation: When words of affirmation is your love language, words build you up. You thrive on spoken affection, praise, encouragement, and compliments. Harsh words and criticism can bother you for a long time.

2. Acts of Service: Anything that your partner does willingly to ease your workload is a sign of love to you. You feel cared for when your partner vacuums before you get to it or makes you breakfast as a surprise. On the other hand, broken promises or laziness can make you feel unimportant.  

3. Receiving gifts: When you speak this love language, a thoughtful gift shows to you that you are special. In contrast, generic gifts and forgotten special events have the opposite effect. This love language isn’t necessarily materialistic – it could be as simple as receiving your favourite snack after a bad day.

4. Quality time: To you, nothing says you’re loved like undivided attention. When your partner is truly present (and not looking at their phone), it makes you feel important.  Failure to actively listen or long periods without one-on-one time can make you feel unloved.

5. Physical touch: Holding hands, kisses, hugs, and other touches are your preferred way to show and receive love. Appropriate touches convey warmth and safety, while physical neglect can drive a wedge between you and your partner. [Note: lust-driven affection is taking rather than giving. Even your spouse will feel used by such physical touch.]

Put the above to the test! Love languages are the quickest way to discover the truth behind St. Paul’s maxim:

He who loves his wife loves himself. (Ephesians 5:28)

 

VIII. Trust

A. There is a fundamental element of relationship that lies at the very heart of our fallen nature: trust.

Man, tempted by the devil, let his trust in his Creator die in his heart and, abusing his freedom, disobeyed God’s command. This is what man’s first sin consisted of. All subsequent sin would be disobedience toward God and lack of trust in his goodness. —CCC, 397

Simple and faithful trust, humble and joyous assurance are the proper dispositions for one who prays the Our Father. —CCC, 2797

This is why salvation cannot be bought. Paid for in Christ’s blood, it is a free gift from God that we receive through trusting in the Divine Creator.^[19]“For by grace you have been saved through faith…” —Ephesians 2:8 If humility is the foundation of prayer, trust (expressed in obedience to God) is what builds a home in our hearts for the Lord to dwell within:

Whoever loves me will keep my word, and my Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our dwelling with him. (John 14:23)^[20]Jesus said to St. Faustina: “The flames of mercy are burning Me — clamoring to be spent; I want to keep pouring them out upon souls; souls just don’t want to believe in My goodness.” —Divine Mercy in My Soul, Diary, n. 177

B. There is a deeper issue, one that will even render the expression of the other’s love language an empty exercise — and that is if there is a complete breakdown of trust.

A relationship without trust is like a barren foundation without a house. Trust is built through the frequent times spent alone, through attentive listening, through forgiveness, meeting another’s love language, and amending and changing the things in one’s life that are hurting the other. When you do this, you are essentially building a refuge for the heart of your spouse — what some call a “safe space.”

But if the walls and roof of agape love aren’t there, then even the foundation of humility — of someone who repeatedly says “I’m sorry” but never changes — is hardly a shelter for your spouse’s heart. One who has been “abusing his freedom,” like Adam did, may even see the genuine good he does viewed with cynicism and suspicion because trust has been broken.

How do you restore fundamental trust in your marriage? I believe it begins especially with the husband, who has a special role in the union, as does Christ in His Church. Jesus took the initiative to love us first: “We love because he first loved us.”^[21]1 John 4:19; Matthew 20:28: “…the Son of Man did not come to be served but to serve and to give his life as a ransom for many.” So the husband is called to lead the way in establishing a “house of trust” in his marriage.

The husband is head of his wife just as Christ is head of the Church, he himself the savior of the body. As the Church is subordinate to Christ, so wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ loved the Church and handed himself over for her to sanctify her, cleansing her by the bath of water with the word. (Ephesians 5:23-26)

The husband is the “priest” of his home.

…the family home is rightly called “the domestic church,” a community of grace and prayer, a school of human virtues and of Christian charity. —CCC, n. 1666

The man’s role is a spiritual principle and order established by God from the very beginning.^[22]cf. Gen 2:23, 3:16 It is the husband’s God-appointed role to “bathe” his wife and family in the Word of God by his living example and through family prayer, thus making the home a place where love and communication can grow.^[23]Here is a concrete example of how this spiritual principle can play out… A study conducted in Sweden in 1994 found that if both father and mother attend church regularly, 33 percent of their children will end up as regular churchgoers, and 41 percent will end up attending irregularly. Now, if the father is irregular and mother regular, only 3 percent of the children will subsequently become regulars themselves, while a further 59 percent will become irregulars. And here is what is stunning: “What happens if the father is regular but the mother irregular or non-practicing? Extraordinarily, the percentage of children becoming regular goes up from 33 percent to 38 percent with the irregular mother and to 44 percent with the non-practicing [mother], as if loyalty to father’s commitment grows in proportion to mother’s laxity, indifference, or hostility.” —The Truth About Men & Church: On the Importance of Fathers to Churchgoing by Robbie Low; based on study: “The demographic characteristics of the linguistic and religious groups in Switzerland” by Werner Haug and Phillipe Warner of the Federal Statistical Office, Neuchatel; Volume 2 of Population Studies, No. 31 It is a huge task, yes, but you have Jesus as both your strength and model.

The word husband comes from the old English “husbandry”, which was to care for and cultivate crops, animals, etc. It has been said that a wife incubates what her husband gives to her and then she reflects back what has been fostered between them. This is exactly the spiritual principle that Jesus taught whereby the Church receives His Word as “seed” that, when received into good soil, will return “a hundred or sixty or thirtyfold.”^[24]Matthew 13:23 The type of soil in the home depends largely upon the husbandry of the man. If a husband is harsh, if he is worldly and intemperate, ruling over his wife with little mercy for her faults and weaknesses, then the second part of St. Paul’s teaching begins to fall apart:

Wives, be subordinate to your husbands, as is proper in the Lord. (Colossians 3:18-19)

Being the head of your wife (and household) is not about bullying but leading; not dominance but direction – for Jesus is “meek and humble of heart.”^[25]Matt 11:29 It is about caring for and cultivating the soil of your wife’s heart and planting within it the seeds of your service, gentleness, and life-giving speech.

If we men fail to imitate Christ as head of the Church, then trust will deteriorate, emotions will rise or be buried, communication will be hampered if not dishonest, and the relationship with our wives will begin to suffocate. When we fail as husbands, wives are still called to heroic virtue:

Likewise, you wives should be subordinate to your husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by their wives’ conduct when they observe your reverent and chaste behavior. (1 Peter 3:1-2)

But it’s still a dysfunctional state. The way to pull out of it is to begin rebuilding trust, starting today with committing to frequent sharing of your hearts and humble listening…

 

IX. Learning to “Just Be”

A. Love between us and our Creator reaches its heights when we truly contemplate one another in a silent exchange of love.

Contemplation is a gaze of faith, fixed on Jesus. “I look at him and he looks at me” (said the Curé of Ars)… Contemplative prayer is silence, the “symbol of the world to come” or “silent love.” Words in this kind of prayer are not speeches; they are like kindling that feeds the fire of love. —CCC, 2715, 2717

B. One of the most beautiful hallmarks of healthy love, whether between us and God or between spouses, is the ability to “just be”; to look into one another’s eyes and know, without words, that you are loved. While learning to “just be” and not have to “do” all the time may be something you need to be deliberate about on the one hand, it’s also something that is eventually born as a result of deep trust and building on the foundation of humility. Once the walls of love are built, your marriage has at last found a beautiful refuge to find mutual rest in each other.

If you are a busybody or have a busy mouth, learn to just be with your spouse, holding them silently after you’ve been intimate, being fully present to them without having to fill the air with words, or again, just giving your spouse time to process. Be quick to listen, slow to react. For the spouse that needs time to process in order to respond (like seeds that need time to sprout) afford them that healthy space for reflection and reorientation. Contemplation in prayer is also a time of processing and inculcating God’s love. 

Do you take the time to bask in the lamp of your spouse’s eyes? Jesus said,

The lamp of the body is the eye. (Matthew 6:22)

If it’s been awhile since you both stopped and just gazed into each other’s eyes, take each other’s hands and remember that “first love” you had for each other.^[26]“…you have lost the love you had at first.” —Revelation 2:4 I wrote this song for my Bride.

 

X. Your Interior Life

A. While the focus of this reflection is on safeguarding your marriage, it should now be obvious of the necessity of prayer, that is, your relationship with God! It, too, will only succeed with an act of your will and openness to grow in love.

Prayer cannot be reduced to the spontaneous outpouring of interior impulse: in order to pray, one must have the will to pray. Nor is it enough to know what the Scriptures reveal about prayer: one must also learn how to pray. —CCC, 2560

I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in me and I in him will bear much fruit, because without me you can do nothing. (John 15:5)

B. Your wedding day is your commitment; your marriage is living that out. It takes work, sacrifice, and heroic virtue. Every day, we have to “will” to lay down our lives for our spouse and children. It’s not enough to simply know what is written above but to courageously and determinedly make it happen.

It is precisely through your personal relationship with Jesus, through a daily and committed prayer life, that you will become the man or woman you need to be for your spouse and family. It is in prayer that God heals, transforms, and molds you to be a life-giving husband or wife. For Jesus said, “Without me, you can nothing.” Indeed,

Prayer attends to the grace we need for meritorious actions. —CCC, 2010

If you don’t have a prayer life, commit now to spending time alone, not only with your spouse, but first and foremost with God. This is the proper order for your life and marriage.^[27]“You shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the greatest and the first commandment. The second is like it: You shall love your neighbor [spouse] as yourself.” —Matthew 22:37-39

Finally, it is essential that you pray as a couple, for before God’s eyes, you are “one body.”^[28]Gen 2:24 By praying together, you invite the third partner in your marriage to dwell within you and help you in your struggles to remain united: the Holy Spirit.

It is the Holy Spirit, dwelling in those who believe and pervading and ruling over the entire Church, who brings about that wonderful communion of the faithful and joins them together so intimately in Christ that he is the principle of the Church’s unity. —CCC, 813

 

God is your Goal

Here is an important caveat to all of the above: never look to your spouse for what only God can give, that is, the supernatural joy and happiness that comes through communion with Him. “My soul rests in God alone…”, wrote David.^[29]Psalms 62:2 If you try to seek this supernatural peace from your spouse, not only will you not be satisfied, but you may form emotional bonds that could lead to co-dependency, a cycle of dysfunctional behaviour, failed expectations, resentment and more. God gave us our spouse “because it is not good that man should be alone.”^[30]Genesis 2:18 He or she is a companion to journey with you to the heart of God, not replace it. Again, the marital union ultimately points to the mystery of Christ and His Church. You and your spouse have a higher calling than your vocation: it is to become the Bride of Christ. Therein lies the fulfillment of all desire…

The desire for God is written in the human heart, because man is created by God and for God… —CCC, 27

In closing, I want to share another love song I wrote that I have sung at weddings. It speaks of how the love of a spouse should ultimately point us to God. If your spouse is helping you grow closer to Jesus, be assured that you are living your vocation according to His purposes.

Know that I am praying for all the married couples out there. Don’t lose hope. With God, all things are possible.

 

Related Reading

Human Sexuality and Freedom

 

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