Rijks Museum, Amsterdam, 1630
FROM a reader:
In my prayer life and in praying for very specific things, particularly my husband’s abuse of pornography and all the things that result from this abuse, such as loneliness, dishonesty, mistrust, isolation, fear etc. Jesus tells me to be full of joy and gratitude. I get that God allows us so many burdens in life so that our souls may be purified and perfected. He wants us to learn to recognize our own sinfulness and self -love and realize we can’t do anything without Him, but He also tells me specifically to carry it with joy. This seems to elude me… I don’t know how to be joyful in the midst of my pain. I get that this pain is an opportunity from God but I don’t understand why God allows this kind of evil in my home and how am I expected to be joyful about it? He just keeps telling me to pray, give thanks and be joyful and laugh! Any thoughts?
Dear reader. Jesus is truth. He would never, therefore, ask us to dwell in falsehood. He would never demand us to "give thanks and be joyful and laugh" about something as grievous as your husband’s addiction. Nor does He expect someone to chuckle when a loved one dies, or loses his house in a fire, or is laid off from a job. The Gospels do not speak of the Lord laughing or smiling during His Passion. Rather, they recount how the Son of God endured a rare medical condition called hoematidrosis in which, due to severe mental anguish, blood capillaries burst, and the ensuing blood clots are then carried away from the skin surface by sweat, appearing as drops of blood (Luke 22:44).
So, then, what do these Scripture passages mean:
Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! (Phil 4:4)
In all circumstances give thanks, for this is the will of God for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thess 5:18)
IN THE LORD
St. Paul does not say to rejoice in your circumstances per se, rather, "rejoice in the Lord." That is, rejoice in the knowledge that He loves you unconditionally, that what is occurring in your life is permitted by "the will of God for you in Christ Jesus," and that "the sufferings of this present time are as nothing compared with the glory to be revealed for us" (Rom 8:18). St. Paul is speaking about rejoicing in the "big picture," and the big picture is the Incarnation—the gift of Jesus to a world lost at sea. He is the safe harbor that gives us refuge, meaning, and purpose. Without Him, life is a meaningless and random accumulation of actions that culminate in the silence of the grave. With Him, even my most senseless and mysterious sufferings have meaning because He sees every one of my tears, and will reward them when this brief life is over.
Everything else will pass and will be taken away from us, but the Word of God is eternal and gives meaning to our daily activity. —POPE BENEDICT XVI, On Martha and Mary, July 18th, 2010, Zenit.org
Joy in this sense, then, is not an emotion; it is not a display such as forced laughter, buoyancy, or flippancy in the face of trials. It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit born from hope. In Christ’s life and words, He gave us faith; in His death, He gave us love; and in His Resurrection He gave us hope —hope that death and sin is not the final victor. That abortion, pornography, divorce, war, division, poverty, and all the social ills that bring about today’s suffering do not, in the end, have the final say. Joy, then, is the child of this hope. It is a joy borne on the wings of a divine perspective.
In the prayers of the Church, we read:
Lord, remember your pilgrim Church. We sit weeping at the streams of Babylon. Do not let us be drawn into the current of the passing world, but free us from every evil and raise our thoughts to the heavenly Jerusalem. —Liturgy of the Hours, Psalm-prayer, Vol. II, p. 1182
When we raise our thoughts to Heaven, we indeed experience joy, even though it may be subtle and quiet, hidden in the heart as often was the joy of the Blessed Mother. In the Knights of Columbus, we have a Latin motto:
Tempus fugit, memento mori .
"Time flies, remember death." Living in this way, remembering that our material wealth, our careers, our status, our health—and our sufferings—are passing, and passing quickly, helps us to keep a divine perspective. Otherwise, we are like the one where,
…the seed sown among thorns is the one who hears the Word, but then worldly anxiety and the lure of riches choke the word and it bears no fruit. (Matt 13:22)
Fruit, such as joy. Once again, it is in prayer where this fruit is discovered and rediscovered…
I AM LOVED
Today, before sitting down to write you, I knelt before the Tabernacle in the church. Standing over the abyss of my own misery and sinfulness, I looked up at the Crucifix. It was at that moment that I realized once again that I am not condemned. How could I be? Here I was kneeling before Him, asking His forgiveness, and willing to start over, despite the fact this is the millionth time of starting over. How could He, who died so that I could be forgiven, refuse a sincere and contrite heart (see Psalm 51:19)? Even though the setbacks and trials that caused me to lose patience still remained, there was within my soul a quiet and present joy. It was the joy that I am loved, that I am forgiven, that His hand has permitted these things, and therefore, that is enough for me to know.
My trials remain. But I am loved. I can give thanks in all circumstances because I am loved, and He would never allow even my sufferings if they were not ordered toward the good of my soul and others.
HE CARES
And because we are loved by God, He cares about the details. St. Paul says "rejoice in the Lord," but then…
…The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. (Phil 4:5-6)
St. Peter writes,
Cast all your worries upon him because he cares for you. (1 Pet 5:7)
The Lord hears the cry of the poor… the spiritually poor, those who cry out from their poverty in faith and trust.
All who call upon me I will answer; I will be with them in distress; I will deliver them and give them honor. (Psalm 91:15)
It is a spiritual promise. When my sister died in a car accident when I was 19 years old, the fruit of joy seemed to fall from the tree of my heart. How could I possibly be joyful if I would never see my sister again in this life? How could He "deliver" me from this sorrow?
The answer is that, ultimately, by His grace, I called upon Him rather than booze, sex, or materialism in order to snuff out my grief. I miss my sister to this day… but the Lord is my joy because I hope that I will not only see her again, but I will see the Lord who loved me first. My sister’s death, the frailty of life, the passing of all things, the emptiness of sin… these realities faced me at a very young age, and the truth of them tilled the soil of my heart so that joy—true joy—could be born in hope.
So how can you be joyful in this present state of abandonment as you watch the spiritual death of your husband and the tragic decay of his marriage vows as he is seemingly carried away by the currents of Babylon?
By the rivers of Bablyon there we sat and wept, remembering Zion… O how could we sing the song of the Lord…? (Psalm 137:1, 4)
The answer is that, at this moment, you are called once again to a divine perspective. Sin is never God’s will. But He can also make all things work to the good for those who love Him. You may be called, as was Jesus, to offer your life for your husband, a more literal fulfillment of your own vows to him. As such, you need to see that the value of your husband’s soul far outweighs the sufferings of this present life. Joy can be born in the hope that not only will your sufferings end with unspeakable joy, but your husband’s soul may be eternally rescued through the spiritual offering of your prayers and intercession for him (that does not mean that you should endanger yourself or others around you, or that you should be abused yourself.)
Joy in these circumstances is a fruit of the Holy Spirit, born from hope, and found in the will of God. I want to write about this next—the will of God. My last three writings have all been a preparation for it. In the meantime, I am praying for you and your husband that he—and millions of men like him—will be set free from the devastating plague of pornography that is quietly destroying families and marriages throughout the world.
RELATED READING:
- A wife’s powerful love for an unfaithful husband… The Love That Triumphs
